maximkovalenko (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maximkovalenko) wrote2003-07-12 05:08 am
maximkovalenko) wrote2003-07-12 05:08 am
"...surely your not happy now, you no longer play the game."
Technical: For all the Windows 98SE users out there in web land...Has anyone suddenly had their monitor settings dissapear for no reason? Earlier tonight my monitor suddenly decided to reset itself to the default 460x240 resolution for no reason. The problem was that my pc suddenly misplaced the driver setting. Reclicking the monitor type fixed the problem, but has anyone else had it happen, or is my PC just possessed?
Greetings:
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aoniedesade Love the new rockstar look :) Oh, I'm batting around a few LJ icon ideas for you so keep your eyes open. ;)
meteru Haven't heard from you in awhile, Are you okay?
The Emotional (behind a cut because I don't know how many people will care to read this self indulgent shit.
I have been thinking about the proper way to say this for the last week or so, and it has taken this long to put my thoughts down into some coherence.
The 4th of July was my sisters wedding. I survived the experience physically intact, but emotionally I was a five year old again. My parents got divorced back then, and after intermittent contact with my mother after she lost custody of me, I proceded to have no contact with her for well over 10 years. In the meantime, my sister grew up into one hell of a woman (a graduate EMT/Paramedic) and has gotten a pretty good head on her shoulders.
Overall the wedding went great, and my sister managed to contain some of the exasperation she doubtlessly felt at being railroaded into the typical MGM production that most big weddings are. She seemed very glad to see me and my wife there. We seemed to be one of the few pieces of sanity in an otherwise psychotic day.
What's bugging me?
I got to the wedding and realized that I only recognized about 2 people in the entire place. At that point it really drove home to me how out of touch I had been with that side of the family over the years. And it made me think of things that I had buried within my own past for decades.
At the reception afterwards I talked to a few people hither and yon, and one of the people I talked to had been one of my mothers next door neighbors. She mentioned that she pretty much watched my sister grow up from about the age of 5 onwards. Which if my memory serves me correctly, was right about I lost all contact with her. The first thought that popped into my mind was "It would've been fucking nice if I could have." I said none of this of course, I just got out of there as fast as I could.
It burns like acid even now, I can't put into words just how bad it hurts, I know my mother too well to ever trust her, she did a hell of a number on me as a child. By the time I got done dealing with both of my parents, I had tossed all conventional notions of family aside. From about the age of 13 on, I've operated entirely on the principle of "family of choice". But with all of this, as whiny and petulant as it sounds, I wish I could have been there when she grew up. I wish I could have seen her, even a little bit. Instead I am a total stranger to most of the people who care about me outside the small group I call my own.
It suprises me that I feel this way. I made a thoreauvian virtue of stripping all the bullshit out of my life that I damn near managed to cut out most of my emotional reactions and feelings as well. It was how I survived at the time, and it startles me now when I one of the long built barriers gets breached. I hate feeling this way, I hate hurting, but I have finally come to realize that this is the cost of caring, and of being someone worth caring about.
I have no answers, no idea of a solution. She has her life, and I have mine...and as much as I care about her I feel as if we come from two entirely different ecosystems. It's not the old "different levels of the food chain schtick" it's "Dolphins don't eat Gazelle". I realize this...but it just fucking hurts.
Greetings:
aoniedesade Love the new rockstar look :) Oh, I'm batting around a few LJ icon ideas for you so keep your eyes open. ;)meteru Haven't heard from you in awhile, Are you okay?The Emotional (behind a cut because I don't know how many people will care to read this self indulgent shit.
I have been thinking about the proper way to say this for the last week or so, and it has taken this long to put my thoughts down into some coherence.
The 4th of July was my sisters wedding. I survived the experience physically intact, but emotionally I was a five year old again. My parents got divorced back then, and after intermittent contact with my mother after she lost custody of me, I proceded to have no contact with her for well over 10 years. In the meantime, my sister grew up into one hell of a woman (a graduate EMT/Paramedic) and has gotten a pretty good head on her shoulders.
Overall the wedding went great, and my sister managed to contain some of the exasperation she doubtlessly felt at being railroaded into the typical MGM production that most big weddings are. She seemed very glad to see me and my wife there. We seemed to be one of the few pieces of sanity in an otherwise psychotic day.
What's bugging me?
I got to the wedding and realized that I only recognized about 2 people in the entire place. At that point it really drove home to me how out of touch I had been with that side of the family over the years. And it made me think of things that I had buried within my own past for decades.
At the reception afterwards I talked to a few people hither and yon, and one of the people I talked to had been one of my mothers next door neighbors. She mentioned that she pretty much watched my sister grow up from about the age of 5 onwards. Which if my memory serves me correctly, was right about I lost all contact with her. The first thought that popped into my mind was "It would've been fucking nice if I could have." I said none of this of course, I just got out of there as fast as I could.
It burns like acid even now, I can't put into words just how bad it hurts, I know my mother too well to ever trust her, she did a hell of a number on me as a child. By the time I got done dealing with both of my parents, I had tossed all conventional notions of family aside. From about the age of 13 on, I've operated entirely on the principle of "family of choice". But with all of this, as whiny and petulant as it sounds, I wish I could have been there when she grew up. I wish I could have seen her, even a little bit. Instead I am a total stranger to most of the people who care about me outside the small group I call my own.
It suprises me that I feel this way. I made a thoreauvian virtue of stripping all the bullshit out of my life that I damn near managed to cut out most of my emotional reactions and feelings as well. It was how I survived at the time, and it startles me now when I one of the long built barriers gets breached. I hate feeling this way, I hate hurting, but I have finally come to realize that this is the cost of caring, and of being someone worth caring about.
I have no answers, no idea of a solution. She has her life, and I have mine...and as much as I care about her I feel as if we come from two entirely different ecosystems. It's not the old "different levels of the food chain schtick" it's "Dolphins don't eat Gazelle". I realize this...but it just fucking hurts.